Flat Dump Society

One thing I have learned since beginning my social distancing routine 35 days ago is that my Ugg indoor house slippers were not designed to be worn 16+ hours a day on very hard tile floors. I am at the point in the quarantine where my feet hurt nearly constantly and the only salve seems to be better arch support. However in our apartment, on the 23rd floor, over looking the Arabian Gulf, we have a strict no-shoes in the house policy. And so, slippers. When hospitals and doctor’s offices are removed from the no-go zones, I first will be visiting the dentist to have the cavity I’ve undoubtedly picked up in isolation filled, and then off to a podiatrist to get some arches. These flat feet aren’t going to heel themsoles.

Foot humor. Oh boy, we need this to end.

Anyway, here’s my basic update before we get to the news. I am listening to brown noise, the soundtrack to all of Eliot’s naps, on the monitor. The door is open to the balcony as Doha is experiencing an oddly nice Mid-April day with a gentle breeze and only low to mild air pollution. I spent the morning taking pictures of some things that Leen and I are trying to sell, because what else does one do in a Pandemic but clean out the closet. If anyone is in the market for a very nice floor lamp, or stroller with a broken wheel, I know a guy. I am contemplating if 2:49pm on Friday afternoon is too early, or just the perfect time to have a glass of red wine.

Update #1: four hours have gone by since I last sat down to write, and, I just opened a bottle of 2016 Fleurie, a Beaujolais, which is my preferred red to drink at the moment. With my train of thought from whatever I was typing sapped out of me by multiple attempts at napping and entertaining and feeding, I think it in everyone’s interest if we get to it.

Update #2: by the time I finished this, it was the next day and I had moved to coffee.

“ Because we perceive flatness, he argues, we must deduce flatness. ”

1. Last year there was a documentary that premiered on Netflix called “Behind the Curve.” This was long before anyone had heard about, or wanted to flatten the curve. The curve in question at the time was the “so-called” curve of the earth. Because, you guessed it, this documentary was about the Flat-Earth Society. This story, published in Guernica magazine, traverses similar materials, only in print form. The set up for the read is that a man on his way to a wedding stops in at the annual Flat-Earth Convention and documents what he sees while giving a background into some of the “celebrities” of the movement. Here are some of my take-aways from the doc and the piece, plus just some facts you might need to know, in case you end up in a conversation about the flat earth any time soon. a) In 1958, lore goes, the US discovered that the earth is flat and encased in a dome. We told the USSR and the Cold War was actually a cover-up to allow investigation into ways to crack the dome while keeping everyone afraid of missiles. b)Flat-Earthers do not profess to know what is out there, or even that they are right, but what they do know is that space is fake, stars are fake, the moon landing was definitely fake and NASA is behind all of it. c) Conspiracy theorists are more commonly found in places or eras where control is harder to come by. Complex narratives of why something happened or how something works are mentally taxing and so these theorist migrate to a simpler chain of thought: conspiracy. d) Conspiracy theories, always a part of society, however mostly on the fringe, have gained much larger followings thanks to YouTube’s algorithms. Sorry for the long explanation. It’s a worthwhile read. Hope you give it a click.

“The point of the post office was never paper, or even simply mail, he says. It was binding the nation together—connecting people”

2. Living where you live, I suspect there are lots of things that you take for granted. I do not say this to thumb my nose at you, and demand that you have an appreciation for all aspects of your life. In fact, often times, the things we take for granted function so well because they work seamlessly. The less we have to think about the “how” of something, the easier our life is. So, enjoy those things you take for granted because you never know when you will lose them. Qatar’s main post office is a building designed to look like a bad replica of Egypt’s famous step pyramid Saqarra. I have spent a few hours in this building, trying to track down lost letters, mail packages, and voicing frustration that I can’t get deodorant shipped from the USA to Qatar. You see, up until about a year ago, Qatar did not have addresses. And without addresses, it is difficult to deliver packages. Recently, Qatar has adopted the “National Address Campaign” which asks all residents to learn their address. I live in building 45 in zone 61. Not exactly as memorable as 408 N Henry St, but alas. My wife is in love with the USPS. She thinks it’s so cool that mail is delivered across the country in days, sometimes over night, for one flat rate. The problem, people, is that the post office is in trouble. Back when the things were easier, Congress passed a law that, in hindsight, has been catastrophic. Forced to pay out 75 years worth of health benefits in advance, the USPS is now losing millions of dollar per day. It is at risk of going under and being replaced by a private company or forever altered. This story is from a few years back, but it provides a detailed look at the challenges facing the post office and makes a strong case for why we need to fight to save it. Send a post card to someone, then read the story here.

“It’s also even more unctuous than the basic dough and cheese version, given that, fresh from the oven, an egg is broken onto the bubbling cheese, cooked until barely set, and topped with a pat of butter.”

3. In 2012, a group of friends, new and old, flew to Georgia on our first Qatar-based holiday because “why not?” At the airport, we were greeted by an immigration official who handed everyone a bottle of wine upon arrival. Georgia is, afterall, the birthplace of wine. We drove down George Bush Avenue on our way to downtown Tbilisi, named after the president who stepped in and prevented the Russians from re-occupying the country in 2008. Our cab driver “didn’t have change” so we over paid for the fare and then, there we were, in a slightly rainy Tbilisi at 5 in the morning with no where to go and no real plans about what to do other than to see Stalin’s toilet and drink some more wine. A group of us wandered into one of the few open restaurants and ordered the famous Khachapuri. This dish, basically a cheese-filled bread bowl topped with an egg yolk that cooks in the hot cheese was delicious; but detrimental. I spent the next 8 days with what felt like a breaded cheese rock sitting in my stomach. Worth it. I ranked this trip as one of my top three travel experiences of the decade. Some 14000 years ago, a baker in modern-day Jordan left a loaf of bread in an oven and forgot about it and in 2018, archaeologists found it. This baker’s efforts mark the earliest known use of bread. This story from National Geographic tours and profiles 9 types of bread, all delightful in their own way. If tourism ever is a thing again, consider taking a bread tour and making these 9 locations your preferred destinations.

“We are going to see a global shortage of condoms everywhere, which is going to be scary”

4. On account of Eliot’s arrival last October and me being too busy to change my settings, I get a lot of stories from different newsletters and sources about pregnancy and labor and family planning. If you ever want to hear about the adventures of Leen’s nearly 60 hour labor journey, get at me and we can chat. If that number makes you go: Woah. Then you’re likely a parent. Or not a parent. 60 hours is long, you don’t need to be a parent to identify that. There are a lot of stories in the world right now speculating that in “9 months” (I have a bone to pick with whoever pushed this fallacious number. Pregnancy is most definitely not a 9-month ordeal) we will have our very own baby boom on account of all the “hanging and banging” that couples are doing during their marathon Netflix and chilling sessions. Since the opportunity to “bash and dash” went by the wayside over a month ago, anyone that you’ve decided to quarantine with could be your future parenting partner. Despite doctors around the world suggesting that this is not an ideal time to start baby making (and the president of Ukraine telling Ukrainians the exact opposite thing), we may see a baby boom in ten months, but not for the reason that everyone expects. Turns out: No one is producing condoms. Most of the world’s condoms are produced in Asia, but most condom factories shut down production a month ago. In addition to shutting production, some countries are changing their requirements regarding the ingredients found in condoms out of supply chain concerns which will result in massive delays on importing. But it’s not just the production or the changes in composition, some countries are limiting the import of products from COVID-impacted countries. Added all together, we are going to see a massive global condom shortage, and so, that could be a factor if in fact there is a baby boom come January 2021. Read more here: NO MORE CONDOMS

“The problem was that, even at college, even under the alias of Al, Yankovic was still himself. He was still, fundamentally, an Alfred.”

5. In what is becoming a bit of a staple, the final dump spot is a celebrity profile. This one is long. I’m talking you’ll-need-30-minutes-of-your-wife-speaking-in-Arabic-on-the-phone-to-her-mother-and-entertaining-your-child-while-you-listen-to-Bon-Iver-on-your-headphones amounts of time to finish this thing but it’s worth it. Written by Sam Anderson from NYT Magazine (I recommend his recent book Boom Town: A History of Oklahoma City) it profiles Weird Al in a way that I imagine you never thought you cared enough about to read. The profile shows Weird Al as a musical savant who has binders and folders full of potential rhymes and puns and variations he could have used for everyone of his parody hits. The man approaches writing parody music with more focus and dedication than most of us approach anything in life. He is one of only five artists to have a top 40 hit in each of the four decades. He is definitely the only parody artist in that group. The profile has quotes from some of his celebrity fans, such as Lin Manuel Miranda, Andy Samberg and Mike Schur, all who cite Al as an inspiration for their music or their comedy. It documents Al’s life growing up as an only child in a house with parents who censored the mail and told him to “Stay away from women; they have diseases and stuff,” through the creation of his persona as Weird Al (not a nickname given to him in a flattering circumstance) up to his current status as cult celebrity playing sold out concerts across the world. This sort of profile is joyful and admiring. It has moments that are tender, and some that are comical. It has enough information to keep you engaged and details that will make you excited about the biopic or Netflix series someone decides to make about this guy’s life. I would not count myself as a huge Weird Al fan, and probably could only name around five of his songs if challenged and yet I enjoyed this immensely. I think you will too. Read it here.

Post-nap giggles

An beautiful evening, overlooking deserted West Bay, April 2020