Blogging bout Books: No-Drama Discipline

I’ve taken to yelling more lately. It stinks.
I rarely yelled as a high school teacher. I had it in my back pocket. I could shush a pretty loud room with an even louder yell. I used to say, just because I am yelling doesn’t mean I am angry. I have used the large yell one too many times lately, mostly when it comes to parenting Roman for my own liking. In these cases, I am typically angry.
Yelling to the point of scaring your kid isn’t that cool. It’s one thing when its 24 16-year-olds who won’t shut it, it’s another thing when its a 3-year old who is losing his shit because you turned off the tv before he was ready. As such I started reading this book called No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson. I checked out like 8 books about parenting but grabbed this one from Barnes and Noble. I don’t spend a lot of time at B&N but maybe I should. I really respect what’s happening in the book cover game these days. Very colorful. If everything is eye-catching… is anything eye-catching? Anyway, it’s one thing to read a parenting book, it’s another to take notes. I think we all can identify that reading with purpose, or at least a pen handy means you’re soaking in more information. I am jotting down notes. These are mostly for me but heck, maybe you’ll read this weird collection of thoughts and say, huh, that’s interesting.
Blogging is back baby!

No Drama Discipline - The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. By Daniel J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

Sam’s notes.
3 Questions to ask during a misbehavior:
Why did my child act this way?
— whatever the misbehavior is, it is their current default strategy for dealing with something they are unhappy about.
—misbehavior is a sign of trust (they trust that they can do something ‘bad’ and you will still love them.)
What lesson am I trying to teach?
— There are better ways to get my attention than hitting, throwing a tantrum, etc.
How can I best teach this lesson?
— Model better ways. Connect first. Teach second.

What parent’s often think:
Kids should be good all the time. If they are not being good, they are bad.
Reality:
We aren’t good all the time as adults. It’s pretty unfair to believe they should be good all the time as kids.
Our capacity fluctuates given our state of mind, and body and these states are influence by so many factors; this is especially true for kids.
Give them some slack. They’re kids. What’s your excuse?

Timeouts:
They rarely result in kids self-regulating and thinking about their actions. They lead to dysregulation and resentment. Discipline means to teach not to punish. How can you teach when youre apart?
Misbehavior is often a result of a child being overtaxed emotionally. Don’t isolate them during these moments. Embrace them. Opt for a time-in, instead of a time out.

Developing a discipline philosophy?
1. Do I have a discipline philosophy? 2. Is what I am doing working? 3. Do I feel good about it? 4. Do my kids feel good about it? 5. Do I feel good about the messages I am communicating? 6. How much of my approach resembles that of my parents? 7. Does my approach ever lead to sincere apologies? 8. Does it allow me to take responsibility and apologize for my actions?

The brain is changing. Downstairs brain; primitive. Upstairs brain, more developed. Sometimes they legitimately were not thinking when they did something. Their brain was not firing. That’s normal. Work hard to understand your child’s POV and what they are actually capable of before reacting. Temper your expectations to match where they are.

The brain is changeable. Experience and repetition can lead to changes in the brain. You can rewire a kids brain with enough work and focus. The way YOU are impacts the way THEY will be going forward. Everything is connected.

The brain is complex. Choose to engage the brain rather than enrage the brain. Youre calm, they’ll be calm. Giving them opportunities to excercise the upstairs brain strengthens that muscle. Repetition becomes habit. A misbehavior is an opportunity to practice these skills.

Being a Proactive Parent
HALT
Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired.
Consider if any of these are to blame for the misbehavior before assuming ill-intent. See if you can address the issue and thus address the behavior. Connect with them instead of yelling.
Don’t ignore tantrums; connect during them. The child needs us to help him calm down during this moment, not abandon him. Tantrum is an opportunity to remind them that you love them and can help regulate them.

Turn down the shark music.
You can either be a sonata or be the Jaws soundtrack. Stop parenting on fear and past experiences and what-ifs, and focus on what is. Parent on the actual facts not the speculative theory youve conconcted in your brain that blows it out of proportion. Try to be proactive instead of reactive during parenting. Our job is to give unconditional love when they’re at their worst. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE AT THEIR WORST. Shark music fuels our internal chaos. It does not make us better parents. Respond rather than react.

Chase the Why.
Curiosity is the cornerstone of effective discipline.
This is not the same as ASKING why. It’s trying to identify whats going on without asking whats going on from an unreliable narrator. You can ask questions, but dont expect straight answers. Whats behind this behavior? What is driving this action? External forces (behavior) Internal forces (emotions). Try to identify both.
Think about HOW
How we do something impacts how our children feel about us. How you say something matters. How you redirect. How you get someone to stop. How you get someone to behave. Children behave when they feel connected. Nonverbals are just as, if not more, important as verbals. Be aware of how you present yourself and consider how you can diffuse the situation by presenting calm.

Validate your kids feelings:
“I get you. If I were in your shoes, i might be able to feel the same way.” Make them feel felt. Have you ever said “I will not accept how you feel right now.” Guilty. This makes a child feel invisible. Yikes.
Connect first, then redirect. Even if it feels SILLY to you, it does not feel silly to them. They need to feel felt to be able to calm down or move on. Meet them where they are. THEN you can address what is going on. Telling them to suck it up rarely is going to work.

Stop talking and listen.
Talking makes things worse. Upset children are in sensory overload. Talking further overloads the senses. Can you calm without talking?

Redirection strategies:
Reduce words (Don’t talk too much: guilty)
Embrace emotions (you have feelings; they are neither good nor bad, nor valid or invalid. They just are.)
Describe, don’t preach (state what you see, don’t demand change. I see shoes not under the bench.)
Involve your child in the discipline (dialogue don’t monologue. Let’s chat about what’s going on. )
Reframe no into a yes with conditions (what can you say yes to in this negotiation that allows them to feel like they had a say?)
Emphasize the positive (dont tell them what they cannot do, tell them what they can do. from whining to hitting, find the positive thing. Speak in a big boy voice, use gentle hands)
Creatively approach the situation (try playfulness. it may seem childish, or weird to approach behavior in a silly manner, but the other option might be yelling, and like… this whole book has argued that’s not great.)
Teach Mindsight (Empathy and Insight — give children strategies to handle their emotions and process their feelings and see more than the anger they are dealing with).