My Favorite Century: Part V
This entire activity is a New Year's Resolution. So I want to pat myself on the back and say: GOOD JOB MAKING IT INTO THE SECOND MONTH. My other resolution (get to a place where I am fine with olives) is going better than I expected, and if you had asked me when both of these once-weekly tasks began, which I would have forgotten to do first, I would have probably said: Olive eating. But I had three olives on Sunday and am getting to the sushi zone with olives.
The sushi zone is where I put foods I never crave but don't have negative feelings about. I'll eat it if it's there. I'll go somewhere where it's the main draw, but I'm probably not going to be the one suggesting it in the first place.
So then, with that going well, that leaves just this.
My music.
While I started the writing in the new year, the curation has been ongoing since October (shoutout to James Blunt) . It's amazing what sort of realizations one comes to when considering only 100 songs to classify as one's favorite. I've fielded many questions and engaged in a few debates and discussions about early entrants in my mentions.
Namely about the Thong Song.
One of the continual challenges of this is how to group the songs. Since I don't have a firm Top 100, with songs in a "place" or "spot," I cannot drop songs 87-80 one week and 79-73 the next. Instead, it's like curating mini-playlists or at least grouping them thematically.
This week's theme is "What Does A Billion Even Mean Anymore?"
In the film Austin Powers, you may recall when Dr. Evil, frozen for 30+ years, comes back and demands a 1 million dollar ransom from the UN not to blow up the moon.
A few things about this:
Jeff Probst is still out here in our year of the Lord 2024, offering people "A million dollars" to spend 25 days on an island outwitting, outlasting, and outplaying 19 others. We have to get that amount up. I know we've gone to shorter Survivor seasons (25 days instead of 40), so the physical toll is "less," but like, adjusted for inflation, I am not sure how the prize that Richard Hatch won in 2000 is the same as the award Yam Yam won 43 seasons later. If you ever want to discuss Survivor with me instead of the top 100 songs, let's go.
Blowing up the moon is wildly idiotic. Even more so if you're doing so for just 1 million dollars. Let me run you through some of the impacts blowing up the moon would have on your day-to-day, and you tell me how much money you think you'd need to negate feeling said impacts.
Extreme and unpredictable tides – destructive waves bruvh. These things will be very shreadable. 100-foot wave? More like 200+ foot waves up and down the eastern seaboard. So many cities are just fucking ruined by waves. You fear for the Maldives sinking now? Just wait til some dummy blows the moon up. Maldives is about to be gone in one night. Do you remember that DEVASTATING movie about the tsunami? Imagine that, but like on every island nation and most coastal cities in perpetuity.
Planet tilt – From everything I read, the moon helps us stay where we are. Without a moon, we are no longer moored, and so our tilt gets all fucked up. Imagine Earth doing some more light tilting, swaying, and oscillating. Then, imagine how this will impact the weather. I am writing this on a day when it was 50+ degrees in Minnesota near the end of January. We'd see many more anomalous days if someone blew the moon up.
The birds – Many animals rely on the moon to figure out where they're going and how they'll best get there. How do you reckon a lot of lost birds will be acting when the moon goes missing? Chaos. Settle in.
Buzz Aldrin –As of writing, he's still alive. If someone blows up the moon, I can only assume he will team up with Harrison Schmitt to go on some John Wick-style revenge tour to murder everyone associated with its destruction. Sure, both of them are in the 90s, but our president is in his 80s, so is this really that much of a reach anymore? Can we land someone young on the moon? I'd love for a young, sexy scientist-influencer to be there someday. Just imagine the content!
"Hi, from the moon! Just wanted to reestablish USA dominance out here before the Chinese or Elon Musk arrived.”
These thoughts, I hope, brought home how ludicrous the notion of blowing up the moon was. And still, the series managed to make a joke about how a million dollars isn't even that much anymore. I just saw this morning that Elon Musk is worth $200 billion. That's a number I cannot comprehend. Similarly, and now, finally, I pivot to the music; what the shit does it mean to have A BILLION STREAMS on Spotify?
As a figure, I know what it means. If I asked you to ballpark how many songs have crossed the 1 Billion streams tier, what total would you guess? I stumbled across a playlist maintained by Spotify that keeps track of this sort of thing, and the number blew me away.
I'll pause to let you think of a number.
570 songs.
Most of them have been released in the last decade, which makes sense. Streaming is how music is consumed these days. So if 570 songs have crossed a billion streams, and only a few are from the 60s, 70s, etc, what is the real number of songs that have been PLAYED over a billion times?
Ten albums have SOLD 40 million copies. Is it safe to assume those albums have songs on them played a billion times on CD, tape, or vinyl? A few songs each from Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, AC/DC, and the Eagles etc are officially over 1 billion plays; at the same time, though, the Weeknd, Dua Lipa, and Post Malone each have five that have crossed the threshold. Are these bands BIGGER than those bands/artists?
It’s the type of figure that raises the question: If you totaled all the counts of all the mediums (iPods, record players, radio, tapes, youtube, etc) what is the most played song of all time? Sure music from now has a way to quantify it, but what about hits that were on every radio station in the country for like 30 years plus. What about the national anthem. It gets a lot of play! Is it a stealth entry into the top 100 plays of all time? Think about it. Get back to me.
Back to the list.
There was a moment when I was glancing through this playlist (The Billions Club) and bristled at the notion that any of the songs I liked would be that mainstream. “A Billion streams, yuck.”
I am, if nothing else, Out on being BASIC.
But then the list became overwhelming, banger after banger.
And I am, if nothing else, In on Bangers.
Sue me.
See for yourself.
Song
Crazy in Love
Artist
Beyoncé
Released
2003
Lyric
Who he think he is? Look at what you did to me
Tennis shoes, don't even need to buy a new dress
If you ain't there, ain't nobody else to impress
It's the way that you know what I thought I knew
It's the beat that my heart skips when I'm with you
One Word
Infatuation
More Than One Word
Lots of artists pretend to have farewell tours. Maybe they mean it. Who am I to say what is in someone's heart at any moment?
While living abroad, I qualified as a bona fide citizen. The test for bona fide residence is pretty straightforward. You must have a legitimate, long-term residence in a foreign country and intend to make it your home. I always thought the third part was the Farewell Tour of Tax law. Intent to make it my home? What does that even mean? When I moved there in 2012, I intended to stay for a year or two. I did what I needed to do in year 1 to qualify for the bona fide citizenship test. I spent a month studying Arabic in Oman to ensure I was out of the country 330 of 365 days a year. I opened a bank account. I had employment albeit terribly fickle and incredibly "Hey, today I got fired, wow." But most of the time, I was closer to living Drake logic (here for a good time, not necessarily a long time) than anything else.
When Jay-Z announced the Fade to Black show, I had a hard time believing he honestly believed he was retiring. He was 34 years old. Now, you can argue that rap is a young man's game and that the rise is always more interesting in storytelling than the continued reign at the top, and maybe Jay should have gone out with Fade to Black.
My friends and I spent a lot of time watching the Fade to Black DVD in college. We used it as a pre-game soundtrack to many nights going out. We used it as the background noise for many competitive Monopoly games. And we used it as our introduction to the Bey-hive. We didn't know that's what we were joining, but when Beyonce came out for a three-song set midway through the show, it was easily the most memorable moment of the entire performance for me. (There is a weird scene where Jay hangs out with Rick Rubin, and I remember thinking, Rick Rubin's probably one of the coolest dudes on the planet, huh?)
Beyonce comes out for Crazy in Love wearing yellow high heels and a stylish take on the LBD (and then stays on for two more songs so that Jay can get changed.) But it's her appearance in Crazy in Love that cements her place in the top 100.
I believe this concert was the moment Beyonce took the crown off Jay-Z and ascended to the power position in the couple. Leen and I just watched the three songs set, and her initial comment was: He's not a good-looking man (the implication being: 'and she is so god damn hot'). This is true (on both counts), but it's probably hard, 20 years after the fact, to really appreciate HOW BIG he was. While yes, sure, she was in Destiny's Child… the success rate of artists striking out on their own after leaving a group was littered with failure (Sisqo leaving Dru Hill notwithstanding). He on the other hand was Jay-Z!
I tried to buy the Destiny's Child album Survivor once but returned it before leaving the mall because I was not ready for that jelly. But after she appeared in the MTV Hip Hopera, I was all in on Beyonce. This song cemented her as a bona fide babe and certified banger maker.
Song
Toxic
Artist
Brittany Spears
Released
2003
Lyric
Too high, can't come down
Losing my head, spinnin' round and round
Do you feel me now?
One Word
Provocative
More Than One Word
Recently, my friend Corey asked me if I'd ever heard of Bard-Core. This came not too long after my brother was low-key mad at Beyonce for naming her album Renaissance because it ruined his ability to find Renaissance-era music without being flooded with Beyonce Renaissance-era music. Bardcore had something to do with Not being of this era, though I assumed it all had to do with Shakespeare. Not quite. Instead, it involves reimagining any song, only on a lute. Other instruments are associated with Bardcore, but the Lute is the big one for me.
Brittany's song in Bardcore absolutely slaps. I definitely just asked ChatGPT what instrument from the Renaissance sounds like a recorder (Crumhorn) but bardcore aside, this song was a staple of my life for the last few years of high school. I mainly had aged out of TRL (not because I was over music videos, but because I was a three-sport athlete, and you know, athletes have to practice), but you better believe I made time to watch the video. Let me rank my favorite tropes in this video:
Hotel Seductress: Least sexy but still like 8/10. Let's be honest: Tom Cruise stole the idea of climbing the Burj Khalifa from Brittany Spears in this video. It's a lousy spy move here as she poisons the man with liquid she pours near his mouth, AND THEN SHE KISSES HIM. Brittany, girl, this is bad spycraft. Very dangerous.
Red-Head in Paris on a motorcycle. 8.7/10. Earlier this week, an Instagram filter hit. It was something about showing us yourself at 21. (This is relevant to a later entry because I was 21 and toothless for all those pictures). One of the people I follow posted a photo of themselves in their red-hair era and helpfully included the urban dictionary entry for "red-hair era." This is something I knew without ever knowing that it was a thing. Brittany, here, in her red-hair era. Hot, but not for me. Bonus points: Holy shit Tyson Beckford was in this video? God damn, that's a handsome man. Wow. Is this the sexiest motorcycle of all time?
Flight Crew: 9.4/10. There's an entire mile-high club plot to this. She's dressed like how the former CEO of Qatar Airways wanted to dress his flight crew but couldn't because of modesty. There's a Mission-Impossible mask allusion. I get some Catch-Me-If-You-Can vibes.
Writhing on the floor in a sequined nude suit: 10/10. Are you serious? Do I need to explain why this is the hottest? I spend a lot of time talking about this entire playlist with Leen. Sometimes, she's willing to engage in debate and discussion with me. The other night, I was asking about a song where a woman is just singing a song while sitting naked on the floor. She insisted that that's not a video but that I was confusing the lyrics from Natalie Imbruglia's song "Torn." I am not sure if there is a video where a woman sings a confessional song in various states of undress, but I do know that Brittany is basically naked while writing around in a hilarious diamond-encrusted onesie.
Holy cow. Natalie Imbruglia never stood a chance.
Song
Hey Ya
Artist
OutKast
Released
2003
Lyric
If what they say is, "Nothing is forever"
Then what makes, then what makes, then what makes
Then what makes, what makes, what makes love the exception?
One Word
Danceable
More Than One Word
Earlier, I mentioned that I was a three-sport athlete in high school. I bet some of you found this surprising. Sam? Plays sports?
No. Sam Played sports. Get your tenses right.
Conceptually, I liked basketball the most, but I was the worst at it. I was the best at soccer, and it helped that our teams were good. Tennis was the most fun, and I benefited from being long, having great reflexes, and playing doubles with someone with incredible groundstrokes and serving skills.
My tennis memories fall into three buckets: my freshman year, I played doubles with a senior who taught me that sports didn't have to be serious and, instead, could be fun. That was eye-opening. He also always told me that the other team was not ready for our jelly. His nickname was Herm, and he's a role model of mine, even if I haven't spoken to him in 20 years. After that, I remember hating one team that we nicknamed Hat and Fat. I get it. You don't need to explain to me why this was offensive. But one of the kids was larger, and the other one wore a hat.
When they were on the precipice of beating us, they made the mistake of telling their fans that they were all looking forward to going to Culvers together. They started placing a goddamn order out loud! I knew what they wanted to eat! And something about that inspired me and my partner to rally. Hours later, we beat them. Maybe they went to Culvers, but it was not a celebratory meal for them. Finally, I remember getting absolutely waxed by Madison Edgewood. In my four years, I never took a game off those guys. Part of me hopes they went pro. I dislocated my shoulder in my final tennis match. It wasn't against Edgewood but against another team similar to them. Finally, we were playing well. My coach, who now does my taxes, said, you guys are in this! Then, someone hit a spin serve, and I tried to return it unconventionally. My arm popped out, and there went the chances of advancement. Shame. What coulda been.
Basketball. The sport I liked the most but was probably the worst at? I was high school tall, not basketball tall. The 2003-04 Beaver basketball team was Mid. Not terrible, but less than average. We went something like 7-9 or 10-11. I have no idea how many games a basketball team plays. Winter sports are interminable.
Anyway, I remember winning one game my junior year against our rivals and this song BLASTING in the locker room afterward—lots of joy associated with this song. You don't want to hear me talk about it; you just wanna dance.
Low-key, this song is about people sticking together when, maybe they shouldn't? But it's so gosh darn upbeat that you definitely don't pick up on that when you're celebrating a victory over the Baraboo ThunderChickens.
Song
The Chain
Artist
Fleetwood Mac
Released
1977
Lyric
For me, this isn't even a lyric, it's the moment at 3:05 when the bass comes in.
It's this dynamic first note that is strum like it could shatter bones.
One Word
Evocative
More Than One Word
Personally, and I say this with honestly very little knowledge of the situation, I think the Fleetwood Mac story on Rumors focuses too much on Lindsay Buckingham (can we bring Lindsay back as a male name?) and Stevie Nicks (really flipping the name norms here, these two were, weren't they?) and not enough on the Mcvie's (John and Christine).
Listen, don't get me wrong. Breakups are hard! I am sure what Stevie and Lindsay had was very important, and being in a band with a former partner is not a scenario in which I would thrive. However, I think I could ultimately persevere. FOR THE MUSIC.
On the other hand, you know what's more complicated than breakups?
Divorces.
I don't say this with any experience, but from what I've seen and been told, divorces are like breakups where lawyers are involved. The Mcvies were out here, being in a band and going through a divorce. Can you imagine?
When I say John Mcvie snaps the bass at the 3-minute mark of this song like he's breaking a bone, I am not being facetious.
Listen to it. It's astonishing. Equally as astonishing? His ex-wife's maiden name was Perfect. There are a lot of name thoughts about Fleetwood Mac here tonight, but honestly, a man named Lindsay, a lady named Stevie, and the surname Perfect? And they settled on Fleetwood Mac? This band was destined to be called something way cooler. Alas. here we are.
There are no more Fleetwood Mac songs on this list, so let me get this one opinion into the world.
I learned about this band through Bill Clinton. From my reading, his inauguration was powerful enough to get this band on stage together despite their tumultuous break up. I am not entirely sure why him using Don’ Stop was news, but I know that it was. Maybe it was the fact that Bill and Hillary had a rocky past. Maybe it was the fact that the song had come out nearly 20 years prior. But let me clue you in on something: The space between Rumours and Clinton’s inauguration is the same as between today and when Live Your Life, by TI and Rihanna, A Milli by Lil Wayne, or Love Song by Sara Bareilles were all released. I think you can make an argument that Joe Biden sets a few campaign ads to those songs and his numbers with Millennial voters might increase dramatically.
Song
Crazy
Artist
Gnarls Barkley
Released
2006
Lyric
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you
Who do you think you are
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control
One Word
Existential
More Than One Word
After graduating with a degree in watching Fade to Black, playing Monopoly, and selling posters at a store on State Street in Madison called "The Poster Master," I moved to Minneapolis sans plan. I've lightly covered how I ended up in Qatar, but a key figure in the whole saga is a guy named Jamie. For one reason or another, many schools were not interested when I applied to be a student teacher.
I remember taking an interview with Teach for America from my bedroom on Portland Ave in Saint Paul. I was chatting with the rep. Everything was going well. But then I said something like: and god damn, does everyone even need to go to college? It seems like sort of a racket. Maybe we should be pushing more kids into trade schools or vocations where they aren't saddled with debt just so they can deck themselves in red and white, meet some kids from around the country or different parts of the state, watch the Jay Z Fade to Black DVD a lot, and get into super competitive Monopoly games?
Teach for America did not want to hear that. Most high schools looking for a high school student teacher apparently didn't want to hear that either (it's like they didn't know I played three sports and could have been a three-sport coach). And there I was, struggling even to be placed as a student teacher.
Then one day, the coordinator called me and said: you're going to have to drive to Coon Rapids (this is a real place, for those reading this and thinking, "that's not a real place"), and the school is a bit unconventional, but I think you'll like it.
The interview started with Jamie waxing poetic, as he is wont to do. Somewhere in there, before he offered me the job, he said: Control is an illusion. In a classroom, there are always more of them than there are of you. If they wanted to take control, they could. So, how do you control a room that is always on the precipice of being lost to majority rule?
This is what I think about when I hear Crazy.
Some of you reading this are teachers. Some of you are parents. Some of you work in a field where you can substitute the logic to make it make sense. In so many situations in our lives, we are not in control.
Midway through my second year in Qatar, after watching six friends get fired in year 1 (and probably only not getting fired because of the Jamie above), my roommates were taking a master's class in education. They were taking notes, and I came across a note card:
Focus on what you can control.
The song Crazy asks you to do the same, but really asks: in a world where nothing is in your control… what will you focus on then?
I'm still trying to figure it out today.
In the meantime, listening to cool songs that ask existential questions helps.
Song
Umbrella
Artist
Rihanna
Released
2007
Lyric
When the sun shines, we'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out to the end
One Word
Bloody
More Than One Word
In the fall of 2007, I was riding my bike around Madison, Wisconsin. The bike I was riding was this hot little red number with racing handlebars and great white tape.
I was a very showy bike rider. I liked doing a lot of air drumming while going too fast and not wearing a helmet. This Saturday afternoon in October, though, something went wrong. I was doing a little Rihanna dancing in the rain to Umbrella on my bicycle (I was listening to her on my iPod) when calamity struck.
It's unclear whether poor bike maintenance or sabotage occurred, but my headset snapped off. When a headset snaps off a bike or detaches, you very quickly lose control of where you're supposed to be going. Fast, slow, it wouldn't matter, a headset stops doing its job, and the front tire very quickly turns perpendicularly, and soon after that, the rider goes tumbling head first toward the pavement.
I woke up in a puddle of blood with a group of people around me.
"Hey man, are you okay?"
"Hey man, is that your tooth?"
"Hey man, do you need us to call an ambulance?"
I flew over the bar but luckily shielded the entire fall with my front tooth. It did not survive the impact and popped right out. Some people will tell you that teeth can be reinserted if the extraction is clean, but you have to be prompt, and in a world where you are not prompt, you gotta keep the tooth in milk.
I tried to put my tooth back in on the spot, but I definitely inserted it backward, upside down, or both in my discombobulation.
I did not have any milk.
Long story short, I have a fake tooth there now. And whenever I hear Rihanna sing about umbrellas, I'll think about falling off my bike.
It's a great song, though.
More next week.
