Dump Call it a Comeback
Since I last sat down to write something as substantial as a Dump, a lot has changed. Take a moment to think about your last five years. Ponder the biggest difference between you then and you now.
For me? I guess the biggest difference between 2015 Sam and 2020 Sam is that 2015 Sam wasn’t occasionally crippled by anxiety and balding. I kid. (Those things are true, but not the biggest change.) For those who haven’t heard from me in five years, here’s a five sentence update.
I am still in Qatar teaching.
I married a great woman called Leen in 2018 in Madison, Wisconsin.
In October 2019, we had a son named Eliot Madison Hasler. Right now, Leen is sitting on the couch, feeding him.
I am sitting on the balcony, about 12 inches from a dried spit up explosion, dumping and drinking a Riesling.
It’s been nearly five years since I sent one of these out (March 23, 2015), but I think we could all use some things to distract us.
When was the last time you thought about Macaulay Caulkin? Was it sometime in 2015 when I sent you a story about him fronting a Velvet Underground cover band that only sang about pizza called Pizza Underground? Perhaps it was as you were watching his brother be hilariously depraved on Succession and thought, "What's his brother up to?" If you are like me, you have no clue what he’s been up to. Allow me to scratch the Mack itch and read this Esquire story. Here are some highlights: He’s dating Brenda Song. He never got diddled by MJ, and he’s adamant he’d tell us if he did. He’s off the hard drugs but still drinks like a fish. He’s nearly 40.
Hanging out with Eliot the other day, (side note: my wife has been playing Elmo’s Song a lot recently. I’ve so far won the battle to prevent Baby Shark from being stuck in my head, but Elmo, I lost that one), I listened to a Spotify channel called "Rockabye Baby!" This channel played songs you know but imagined them played as nursery rhymes. It’s like when Fallon does the song but with the classroom instruments. Nevertheless, this was like that, but for babies. The point of this is that a Bob Dylan song came on followed one by Prince and it got me thinking: Who’s the bigger Minnesota-centric musician? This is all to say Prince’s house in LA recently went for on the market and I’d like you all to read about it. It’s on the market for just under 30 mill so if we pool our money…
Why you would pay Gilbert Godfried $135 to wish someone you know a happy birthday is beyond me at this stage in my life (and at this moment in the economy TBH) but to each their own. If you’re not sure what I am talking about, then you simply must read about Cameo. This is a service where you can pay D to B list celebrities to give you or your loved ones a shoutout. This is a story that traces the beginnings of the company, started by a 32-year old Duke grad and two of his friends, up to it being recognized as a vital piece to the start-up economy in 2020. As a friend recently pointed out to me, you can currently have Lindsay Lohan send me a message wishing me a Happy Earth Day if you get your act together in the next few weeks.
When was the last time you took a trip? In April 2019, I wrote a haiku and entered it into a contest that made me eligible to become a Gold Club member on Qatar Airways. I wrote the haiku about eating a burrito that made me poop while in Bosnia. Sometime in July, I got an email informing me that I’d won. I haven’t traveled since, so the win was a bit bittersweet. On one hand, I had a child; on the other hand, there is a very good wine list available to Gold Club members, and we get an extra 10 kilos of luggage. This is to say, I encourage you to still plan trips and "Explore Fearlessly" (this was the slogan that we had to fit into our submission). If you’re looking for a spot to travel to, let me suggest Slovenia. I bet this is oft-forgotten part of Yugoslavia isn’t atop your 2020 travel lists. It should be. This story about a very-old-world-mask festival that acts as a right of passage for young men in villages paints a picture of a part of the world that seems worth visiting. No one asked, but Slovenia is the only country in Yugoslavia that I haven’t visited. On a trip in 2013, I landed in Croatia and took a train to Bosnia instead of Slovenia. On the plus side, it's where I ate the burrito that made me poop. On the downside, no mask festivals for Slovenia villages.
This one is for all the parents trying to self-educate your youth or for anyone who likes a brain-teaser. I am both working from home and on spring break. It’s confusing. Don’t tell my bosses, but I don’t have anything ready for when classes start again on Sunday. Last week, before we went on break, I gave all four of my classes a reading about washing their hands. I thought it was an important text, considering. I don’t teach math, but if I did, you can bet I would use this problem to stump my students for a few days. This is rumored to be an Amazon interview question. I remember a few years back when the question was something like: How many basketballs could you fit in this room? That one was not so much to see if you could get the right answer, but more to see how your brain works. This one though… it has a right answer, so give it a go. Get hired. Buy Prince's house.
That’s all I have for you. Five stories of varied length about a variety of topics to keep your mind off the hellscape we’re living in. If you need any advice about washing your hands, and not touching your face, please enjoy this funny song. I think we can all agree that the only good things about social distancing are 1) the memes 2) the penguin who is walking around Shedd Aquarium 3) nature returning to places it hasn’t been. Stay inside. Don’t treat it like a snow day.
Share anything interesting you’ve read with me.
